I was wondering if I should post this or not...
partially because I don't want to make light of Barb's recent stay in the hospital. She was very sick and if I had not insisted she go the the ER that night she might be dead now. This post is about me. Not really me but my state of mind. I take everything and internalize it to the point extreme frustration. Kids, work, money, school, Barb's sickness, Ryans' teeth, cars, neighbors, the fire, and who knows what the fuck else. I tell myself that KB's or lifting releases my frustration. And indeed it does. But how much of this frustration is caused by my own microscopic view of myself and my situation? Yes I have 5 kids. 5 beautiful, amazing, wonderfull, kids. I'm married and I have had to give up a lot to be so. But what have I gained? A lifetime with one of the most amazing human beings I know.
See I had what Barb calls a sentinal event, I was pumping gas into the van. She walked up to me, she asked me for a few dollars for her and her dog. I turned to look at her, to asses her. I will gladly help out a person with mental problems who has fallen through the cracks. Likewise I won't give money to someone who looks like they would spend it on drugs or alcohol. The sight of her hit me hard in the gut, just the sight alone. The huge cancerous growth on the side of her face. The black, ominous, oozing tumor on her face. The mass of improperly replicated cells that will eventually take over some vital organ in her body and kill her. No mercy, no emotion, just a hot, oozing, cracked death scentance stamped on her face for the world to see. I wanted to cry, maybe I did. The blank stare, the dead eyes of mental disorder looked at me waiting for a response. "Please, just a few dollars for food and water for me and my dog." I went into the 7/11 and bought dog food, water, food, and the brand of beer she buys. I've seen her in the neighborhood before. Just never face to face. I gave it to her. I seriously was fighting tears the whole time I purchased the items.
When she thanked me and told me it was the first cold water the have had in a month I did cry. It was 105 degres that day. I started to realize what I have. The house is not important, the kids never misbehavinbg is not important, the dogs barking at midnight is insignificant. Freedom of choice is, and not even freedom, but the ability to understand the consequnces of our choices. She didn't have that. She never has nor will she ever have it.
Barb gets sick, I understand we need medical help. I'm overweight, I understand what I have to do to loose the weight. Ryan gets a cavity I understand the dentist must take care of it. She will never ever have that capability.
I told her about County Hospital and even offered to take her there. She was worried about her dog. I offered to take care of him. She shrugged me off and said " Don't worry, we'll be ok." She left, obviously uncomfortable with the attention, not understanding that she could have changed her life at that moment.
When I went home that day I didn't see the responsibility of the house, or the debt, or the fact that I can' travel. I saw the beauty of my life, I saw the wonderfull amazing choices I've made.
See I had what Barb calls a sentinal event, I was pumping gas into the van. She walked up to me, she asked me for a few dollars for her and her dog. I turned to look at her, to asses her. I will gladly help out a person with mental problems who has fallen through the cracks. Likewise I won't give money to someone who looks like they would spend it on drugs or alcohol. The sight of her hit me hard in the gut, just the sight alone. The huge cancerous growth on the side of her face. The black, ominous, oozing tumor on her face. The mass of improperly replicated cells that will eventually take over some vital organ in her body and kill her. No mercy, no emotion, just a hot, oozing, cracked death scentance stamped on her face for the world to see. I wanted to cry, maybe I did. The blank stare, the dead eyes of mental disorder looked at me waiting for a response. "Please, just a few dollars for food and water for me and my dog." I went into the 7/11 and bought dog food, water, food, and the brand of beer she buys. I've seen her in the neighborhood before. Just never face to face. I gave it to her. I seriously was fighting tears the whole time I purchased the items.
When she thanked me and told me it was the first cold water the have had in a month I did cry. It was 105 degres that day. I started to realize what I have. The house is not important, the kids never misbehavinbg is not important, the dogs barking at midnight is insignificant. Freedom of choice is, and not even freedom, but the ability to understand the consequnces of our choices. She didn't have that. She never has nor will she ever have it.
Barb gets sick, I understand we need medical help. I'm overweight, I understand what I have to do to loose the weight. Ryan gets a cavity I understand the dentist must take care of it. She will never ever have that capability.
I told her about County Hospital and even offered to take her there. She was worried about her dog. I offered to take care of him. She shrugged me off and said " Don't worry, we'll be ok." She left, obviously uncomfortable with the attention, not understanding that she could have changed her life at that moment.
When I went home that day I didn't see the responsibility of the house, or the debt, or the fact that I can' travel. I saw the beauty of my life, I saw the wonderfull amazing choices I've made.
posted by Royce at 6:49 PM
4 Comments:
See? Life is Good.
Beautiful and well put.
Glad Barb is ok.
Wow! Powerful post Royce! Great insights that obviously moved you emotionally and spiritually!
Yeah it was just such a knee-jerk response. Most of us live so well in this country and yet we take it for granted. I'm guilty too.
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